This is harder than I thought

I am really struggling lately with the idea that Pitters has autism or other developmental delays. Its very clear that something isn't right, we just are in the dark on what it is at this point. It's not the diagnosis that is difficult, but rather the questions of what will be best for our future and best for her. If she is diagnosed with Autism, the best thing for her would be for us to move to Seattle so she can attend the specialized school for autism that her cousin attends. I love seattle but not enough to live there and financially the whole thing could be a disaster. I hear so many stories of schools failing when it comes to kids with disabilities and I don't want my daughter to be in this situation. I want the best life for her and the best chances at reaching her true potential. 

I am definitely struggling with guilt as well. I feel like I failed her. After she was born I definitely went through some difficulties where I just was not attached to her the way I had been to Churro. I would go days without holding her. We were working opposite shifts to keep the kids out of daycare and I think that while it "worked"...it was really to her detriment. We failed her. Can it be made up now? Is it to late? 

I wish I has some answers

Beautiful silence...or is it?

Some days it seems like I wait all day to put these girls to bed and get just a moment of silence to myself. Then It happens and I enjoy it for only a few minutes before I start to miss them so much that I want to wake them up just to snuggle them.

 I wonder if this is normal or the result of wanting a baby for so long and having to wait, worry and give up hope before being so lucky to have them...? I don't really know. I am long past graduated from infertility, yet I think it still affects every thing we do in our lives. It seeps into every interaction I have with my babies- I cuddle them a little longer, kiss them a little more often, spoil them a tiny bit more rotten, and cherish them more than I would have if becoming a mother had come more easily to me. I guess tonight I am just feeling so lucky to be here where I am when there are so many women still fighting for this feeling. 

Happy New Year!

I am not much into resolutions, knowing that the statistics are not at all great that anyone will actually follow through with them. With that in mind, I like to make some goals instead...

1. Work on being healthier. This isn't focused on losing weight, but rather improvement in quality of life. Over the years of having a desk job amongst other lifestyle choices, my flexibility has gotten really bad and I have decreased range of motion in one shoulder. So I want to continue stretching daily and trying to improve those issues.

2. I do not want to be pregnant this year. I know that is a strange resolution but I really feel like I want a 4th baby. BUT I want to make sure that things are on track for Pitters before we add more to our plate. Plus maybe by then I will feel like our family really is complete. After waiting so long for our babies, I feel like I just want to surround myself with them. Plus they are so cute!! Anyways, I have been pregnant for part of each year for the past 5 years. It's time to give my body and mind a little break.

3. I want to get better at sticking to our budget and do less shopping. Honestly, we have so much STUFF already. Also we break the bank by eating out more than we should as well, so that also falls into the getting healthier category.

Anyways...:Happy New Year! What are your goals this year? 

Things my 3 year old says!

This girl is going to grow up to be a comedian. 

"I'm a poooooodle"

This is a "slip and slide" that she built and then she turned to me and said "Doesn't this look so slippin fun?"

She helped decorate this stocking for Pitters and then said "there is a kid holding poop on a rope on Hattie's stocking"

She just told me "I liked getting out of your belly. I want to do it again tomorrow"

Sometimes she doesn't even need to say a word...the facial expression says it all

I love this little girl and the person she is growing up to be. 

Insanity!

Some days are really amazing as a stay at home mom, and other days I consider hopping a plane and moving to Europe...alone. Ok, so I'm sure I would miss them before I even got on a plane but today is one of those days where I will be waiting at the door when my husband gets home, coat on and keys in hand, to go to Target for some blissful alone time. Target is my safe haven these days, which of course is resulting in a lot of money being spent on random stuff. Maybe I need to find another outlet for my cabin fever...?

The 3 little monsters are so cute and sweet 95% of the time but when they wake up on the wrong side of the bed or just really need a nap, it can be so overwhelming. I'm trying to feed the Little Bug, Churro is whining for her daddy to come home and refusing to eat anything I give her, and Pitters is just crying because our lack of communication makes it so hard to play a guessing game of what she wants/needs when everyone else needs things at the same time. Then they turn around and have adorable sweet moments like these that make it worth every moment of hair tearing goodness.

Ahhhh...these really are the best years of our lives. 

My Erin Condren Planner and order experience!

A few months ago I was introduced to Erin Condren planners through a friend on Facebook who shared a contest  they were having on their Facebook page. Within the next few days, one of my favorite bloggers Ramblings of a Suburban Mom posted a review of her Life Planner. It took me awhile to decide that I could spend that kind of money on a planner...including finding out that we would be adding Family Outreach visits, Speech Therapy and Occupational Therapy to our already hectic schedule with my husband's Nursing classes and Clinical schedule.

It took me awhile to pick out which one I wanted. The options are basically unlimited with the number of customization options there are. I ended up going with the Candy Lace Mocha Multi. I'm not a fan of brown and I almost customized it so that the Lace was black but I'm glad I didn't.

 

 It was hard for me to swallow the price tag (they start at $50) but I am so happy that I did it. I used a referral link and got $10 off of my first order which I used to buy extra personalized stickers and the bands to hold the planner closed. Then I made a second order for my actual planner using the code GIFT20 which gave $20 off my second order. I don't actually know how long that code works but I have never seen that it has an expiration date. I had an issue with receiving both of my orders but they fixed it...I'll get to that story in a minute. Here is my Referral code in case any of you decide that you can't resist this awesome planner! My Referral Link

A few of the awesome features that I love about this planner-

 Strong Clearly Labeled Tabs

 Weekly Pages for writing in all of the more detailed information- broken down into Morning, Day and Night.

 Monthly Calendar

Stickers included for labeling different events- Birthdays, Game, Day Off, Sale, Hair Appt, Doctor Appt,Concert, Party,  Mani/Pedi, Vacation! Also includes 2 sheets of  blank labels for you to write in what you need

I just like the way the inside of the front looks so I thought I would share it. 

It also includes 20 pages of lined notebook paper, 2 pages for contacts and addresses,  a bound-in zip lock pocket that has 20 personalized gift labels, and a snap in page holder/bookmark. I also really like the inspirational quotes throughout it. 

We did have a minor issue. I made 2 separate orders so that I could save money on everything that I wanted. My first order was personalized stickers and the bands. My second order was my actual planner. I received my planner quicker than they said but I ordered both a month ago and still have not received the first order yet. It shipped from California on December 6th and for some reason, it took a detour to Florida even though it was supposed to go to Montana. This was a FedEx issue and so while annoying, I gave it time. It was eventually scheduled for delivery on the 24th but then it never showed up so I contacted the Erin Condren customer service via e-mail. They tracked down the package and let me know when it is expected to be delivered and even though it wasn't their fault they offered me a $15 store credit. They have been getting some bad press lately because in my opinion, the company got huge much faster than they expected and they struggled to keep up with the holiday demand. I've seen a lot of angry reviews on their Facebook page in the last month but I think that they are working hard to rectify the situation so I recommend that you give them a try! 

Disclosure: This post contains my referral Link (You get $10 off at Erincondren.com if you use my link and I get a $10 credit.) All opinions in this post are my own and I was in no way compensated for this review! :)

Back to it!

Finally things have settled down enough for me to get back to writing this blog. We welcomed a 3rd little girl at the end of August and I became a stay at home mom! It was a struggle for awhile because my little bug is definitely a high needs baby. My older girls were so laid back, I hardly know what to do with this little one! I think I'm finally getting a grip on the situation and she is only 4 months old! Ha! Christmas is over and now I can try to focus on working with Churro on preschool stuff. I also will be spending a lot of time working with Pitters on her speech and social development. We finally got a developmental eval done for her and unfortunately things were a bit worse than I even thought.

She was 17 months and these were her scores:

Physical- 14 months

Adaptive- 12 months

Social emotional- 8 months (50% delay)

Cognitive- 9 months (44% delay)

Communication- 5 months (69% delay)

We are now working with family outreach and have started speech therapy. We are at the top of the waiting list for occupational therapy but since the entire OT department at the hospital is either pregnant or on maternity leave except for one therapist, I'm not sure how long the wait will be. I can only hope that we will start soon cause the speech therapist thinks OT will really help her. We also plan to get an autism evaluation shortly after she turns 18 months which is actually really soon. Wow. I rambled a bit